Custom Built Living - take control of your life!

***ATTENTION*** **SPECIAL OFFER**

Get your $5 Resume Builder Tutorial today!

Just click here!

Why let someone else write your resume for you when you can write your own and make it perfect for every situation.

FREE READING

Custom Built Career
Read an excerpt from our first book coming out in 2012!

What Sex Should Really Mean in a Relationship

by Jeff Guthrie (2002)

I sit and watch my wife, as I often do, when she does not know I am looking at her and I thank God that I am blessed to have a woman who enjoys life. We, like any other couple, have our ups and downs and sometimes the downs outweigh the ups. Nevertheless, I would not trade my marriage for all the tea in China . We have been together for nine years and my wife is pregnant with our first child. We have a semi-traditional yet contemporary relationship where each of us takes on some of the historically defined roles of the man and the women. However, we break from those traditions in several areas. My wife mows the grass while I do the cooking and my wife washes the cars while I do the laundry. Strange, you might think, but efficient. We chose these duties because they are what we enjoy doing, not because we were supposed to do them. My wife and I try to have fun in whatever we are doing without defining roles for one another.

My shocking discovery

I recently read Paula Rinehart’s How Men Really Think about Sex, where Paula discusses men’s “Sexual Identities”, their “Sexual Affirmation” and their “Sexual Angst.” I noticed a trend in Paula’s article that left me a little disturbed and even a little peeved. I agree that men can be single-minded and a little slow on the emotional side of relationships. However, I do not believe that we are the knuckle-dragging Neanderthals that Paula intimates in her article. She said, “A man’s psyche is best described as a seamless fabric” and goes on to explain that this means a man’s determination of the status of his marriage is based on his feelings about their sex life. If the couple’s sex life is good then their marriage is going well. On the other hand, if their sex life is not so good, the marriage is on the proverbial rocks. I guess the main reason I was disturbed and peeved by Paula’s underlying message is that I discovered that I see a grain (or a big fat ball) of truth in it.

Ever changing roles

Before the so-called sexual revolution, sex was kept in dark rooms and people never spoke about it. Men and women got married and then begin trying to build a sexual relationship where traditional roles were already defined for them. After the sexual revolution, women started filling roles that were traditionally held by the men. Modern-day women have many more role-defining responsibilities that allow them to be a vital and measurable part of a relationship. Consequently, the roles that men were using to define themselves in relationships are quickly dwindling and the men are left with their sexual prowess or performance. No longer can a man say with confidence, “I pay all the bills” or “I wear the pants in this house.” Instead, men continue blithely on, ignoring all the needs of their spouse except an occasional tryst in bed.

The biggest problem arising from women displacing men in some of the traditional roles in a marriage is that men are staying stagnant in their role while women are blossoming. As women go out and get better jobs and contribute more to the mortgage, bills and other responsibilities, men are still sitting around and saying (or maybe just thinking), “where is my dinner?” This parochial attitude has left men in the wake of the new woman with absolutely no idea how to catch up. As a result, men are stressing more and more because sex has become the most important role they can fulfill in their marriage. This has created a vacuum where sex is viewed by the wife as an onerous task or duty while the man views it as the sole remaining act that he can use to define himself. Another alarming aspect is that when men think their sex life is dreadful, they are not discussing their fears with their spouse. Instead, they are talking to a counselor who, while I am sure has good intentions, is not an active part in the problem and will most likely be hard-pressed to correct it.

It’s time to open up

One thing that my wife and I have learned from each other and that I want all men to try and learn together with their spouses is that life, marriage, and sex can be fun and are really intended to be fun and fulfilling. I am sure that when most men and women get married, they are not saying to themselves, “well, there goes all the fun.” Instead, I hope they are making a long-term commitment to someone they love, someone they want to open their heart to, and someone they want to grow old with. One of the greatest obstacles when beginning or trying to revitalize a relationship is the lack of communication between partners. How will you ever know what your spouse enjoys unless you ask them? You might get lucky over the course of years and discover several things you have in common by the hit and miss method but this could take a lifetime. Instead, right from the beginning, be open and honest with each other. Find out what makes your wife laugh or cry. Find out what gets her excited or completely exhausts her. Try to find out as many things about her as you can and use this knowledge to make your life and your marriage an exciting adventure instead of a punishment.

Define sex, don’t let it define you

Let’s start by simplifying things and try breaking down relationships into two simple categories: good things and bad things. Let’s put a few activities under these headings to get a feel for what usually feels good or bad.

Good Things Bad Things

Getting married Arguing

Buying a car Wrecking the car

Buying a house Paying the bills

Sex Not having sex

Now that we have an idea of what is usually good and bad in a marriage, let’s look at it for each individual in the marriage. Let’s personalize it to the man and the woman based on what they might enjoy doing.

Man Woman

Good Things Bad Things Good Things Bad Things

Playing basketball Getting injured Swimming Water in the nose

Kissing your spouse Arguing Kissing your spouse Arguing

Sex Not having sex Sex Not having sex

If you look closely you will start to see an astonishing trend for both men and women and also for a marriage. It seems that the man and the woman both enjoy sex and consider not having sex as a bad thing. Now, I used this simple analogy to show you that sex is an activity, just like playing basketball or paying the bills. Sex is not a performance meter that indicates the level of contentment in a relationship nor does it define the husband or wife’s role in their marriage. Sex is an activity! Some of us are good at it and others are not. If you feel that you are not good at it, don’t fear, you can learn and get better at it. I am about to disclose to you the best source ever on how to make great love to your wife. This is a closely guarded secret and I would like to share it with you. The best place to go to become the greatest lover is………your spouse! Amazing! Unbelievable! That’s right, your spouse! Take a moment and think about why you married the person you are with. Try to be honest and leave the sarcasm out for just a minute. You married this person because you love them; you opened your heart to them and poured out your deepest love to them.

Put sex in its place and move on to more important things

If you can look at sex in the right context and not place such a huge burden on yours or your spouse’s performance, then sex becomes a fun activity for both of you. The best place for information on how to please your mate is by asking said mate. Would you ask your mother the best way to please your spouse? I think not. Would you ask one of your spouse’s friends? Again, I think not. When you begin developing your sexual relationship or when you decide to rekindle it, ask your spouse what feels good and what makes them feel good. If you feel like you are not pleasing your partner, then ask them. You cannot be your own judge when it comes to pleasing two people. After a sexual encounter with your spouse, you may be thinking what a rotten lover I am while your wife is thinking I sure did have a bad day today. If you do not ask her then you will never know and you will continue to doubt yourself. Also, do not create such a burden on having sex that it is no longer fun. Just like playing basketball, you can plan to have sex just like planning a game with your friends. Or, you can play in a pick-up game just like having a spontaneous encounter with your wife. Sex should never be considered a game or used against your spouse but it can be an intriguing and playful experience for both of you where you can laugh or cry, exhaust yourself or take it easy, and be very traditional or experiment a little. The best part of sex being an activity to be enjoyed is that you can discuss your performance afterwards and get honest feedback from your spouse. Open discourse in a sexual relationship is vital to your fulfillment.

Let’s take the open discourse one step further. Remember that over the past ten years, or maybe even more, your wife has taken on new responsibilities as a part of the newly defined, modern-day woman. Hopefully you can look at your wife and at yourself and consider each other equals. What this means is that you allow your wife equal credit for all the hard jobs she does while trying to share in the responsibilities of your relationship. Instead of defining yourself by your sexual prowess, try defining yourself by how much equal time you and your wife have to spend together. If your wife comes home at night and does laundry, cooks dinner and cleans the dishes while you sit in front of the TV, then you are not sharing equal time with your spouse. What must happen, especially if you want to have time for sex and other fun activities, is that you must step up and contribute to the daily duties just like your wife. If it takes your wife until 9:00 PM to finish all her duties, then it should only take both of you until 7:30 to finish them. Guess what that leaves time for? Sex, right? Now we are getting somewhere.

Gentlemen stand up and open your eyes! Start making some changes that will allow your spouse more time to spend with you or help her in her everyday tasks and consider that quality time spent together. You will be amazed at the response you will get if you will spend a few evenings helping your wife fold laundry, that is after you revive her from fainting. Men, you need to get with the times and adjust to the ever-changing roles in relationships. You cannot sit on your butt and expect everything to go back to the way it was or can you lament about the way things are now. Instead, make changes and adjustments just like women have.